I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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