theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Randomize
