i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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