Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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