I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
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