what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
