I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
