Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Pants are for mortals
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
