I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
