Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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