In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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