I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
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