he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
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