Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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