Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
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