my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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