some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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