Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
