Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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