i think i scared a bird with my dick
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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