What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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