I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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