I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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