There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
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