Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
