She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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