i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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