Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
