I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
