I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
