the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
