How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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