I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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