Soap is not a condiment
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
