I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
