Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
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