so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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