I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
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