my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize