When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
BRING THE BAGELS
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
