I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
