Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
