I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
