remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
