You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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