Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
My ass is underappreciated
Randomize
