Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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