I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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