The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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