I accidentally burped into my bong.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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