that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i will never coherently bang her
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
