i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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