Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
