you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
you inspire me to be a worse person
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I need a beard to bite.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
