so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
