There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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