i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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