I wish I could teleport
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
