you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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