Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
