OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
