Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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