Your dad touched me again.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
