Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
